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It ain’t what you do it’s the way that you do it!

Have you heard of the expression, faking it to make it? Well, there’s a lot of truth in that as well as in the sentiment from the above lyric from the Bananarama/Fun Boy Three song!

To fulfil our need for significance, i.e., how we feel appreciated and unique in the world and the sense of importance and value we put on ourselves, we compare ourselves to others. For some, this creates a negative response which can only be alleviated by putting others down in order to feel better or more important. For others, feeling significance comes from having a strong sense of appreciation for the self and a celebratory attitude to the differences with other people and a healthy curiosity as to what they do that makes them so appealing and what we might do to be more like them.

It’s all very well saying we ‘shouldn’t’ compare ourselves to others but the fact of the matter is that we do which is why the lyric of ‘It ain’t what you do it’s the way that you do it’, is so important to recognise.

As always, it is the why we do what we do that influences the how and therefore the results we get.

By comparing ourselves unfavourably to others, we may become jealous and resentful. To add further validation we then find and attract many other people who feel the same way and join in negative conversations that put these ‘perfect people’ in an open arena where the game is to find as many faults as possible so we can feel better about ourselves.

What’s really going on is that we wish we could be more like them and have the kind of experiences they do and rather than actually doing something about it, we play the victim, go on the attack and blame our genes, parents, background or anything else we feel makes the vital difference between them and us.

Alternatively, we fall into the trap of trying to be exactly like someone we admire and strive to copy their looks, actions and persona in the belief that we will then lead more of the life that they do. The trouble with both approaches is that neither is authentic and neither comes from the intent of trying to become the best version of who you already are as an individual with all your innate strengths, talents and qualities, including the ones you haven’t yet tapped in to.

To feel truly valued and appreciated as an individual, you need to look at yourself and decide what it is you want to change and improve to be more like the person or people you admire. There are three things you can do so that the art of ‘faking it’ becomes a real positive as a bridge form where you are now to how you want to be and remain authentic in the process.


What is it, specifically, you admire about the person? Is it what they look like, wear, how they exercise? Personality traits? Their sense of fun, their aura of sex appeal? Their strength of leadership or how they are seen?


Why do you want to have that quality? What is it that you feel it would give you and in which area of your life do you feel that it would benefit you the most? What will having those qualities yourself give you? How will it enhance your life? How will your relationships with others benefit? How can you make this unique to you?


What actions do you need to take? The art of faking it is all about pretending. Pretending doesn’t make you inauthentic, it is trying things on and seeing how differently you can feel. If what you are faking is a genuine feeling/behaviour you want to cultivate then all you are doing is practising. Soon you won’t be faking, it will be real.

So have fun and practise! Remember, the brain can’t distinguish between what is imaginary and real, it responds to the feelings and emotions we create. This is a process and it is about discovering who you want to be and how you can create more of what you want.

Don’t forget to share any thoughts, ideas or questions you have about this by writing to the beccy@beccymiller.com!

appreciation, compare, difference, emotion, quality

Beccy Miller

Beccy Miller

I'm Beccy and welcome to BeccyMiller.com. I have always been fascinated by Human Psychology. The reason I love coaching so much is that I can fully relate to what my clients are feeling in terms of feeling stuck, repeating poor quality choices in relationships, jobs or friends, feeling not good enough or loveable enough, fearing success as much as fearing failure, falling out with family etc. And all while on the surface appearing to be very confident, happy and positive.

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